i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
