someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
