did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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