I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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