The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
