worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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