Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
