the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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