We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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