do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
