I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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