I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
