So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
