that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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