Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
