'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
