my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
