if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
