someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
