Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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