if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
