mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
