So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.