Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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