i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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