i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
