Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
