I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
