I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
