im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
