I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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