Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
