I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You pole danced in your parka.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
