haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
