I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.