if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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