We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
