Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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