The maid of honor just puked.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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