i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
