matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I smell stomach acid.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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