we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
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The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
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I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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