From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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