On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
