yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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