youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
