remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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