stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
