woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
