we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
