Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
