new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
