remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
