I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
