this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
