He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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