haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
