my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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