Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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