Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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