someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
