i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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